HowToFoldSoup - Albert Brooks - Comedy Minus One Script

Comedy Minus One By Albert Brooks
(to be read along with the album, final track)

*(L) & (A) denote Laughter & Applause

Albert

Thank you...thank you...and good evening ladies and gentleman. I'm Albert.

You

And I'm You.

Albert

Wait a minute, how could you be me?

You

I didn't say I was you. I said I was me. (L)*

Albert

No you didn't. I said I was Albert and you said you were me.

You

You've got it all wrong. You said "I'm Albert" and I said "I'm You." But I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. (L)

Albert

Now I'm confused.

You

Then stop calling yourself Albert. (L)

Albert

I think we should get on with this.

You

I agree. What are we going to do?

Albert

Well, if it's alright with you I thought we would visit, The Auto Mechanic. (A) Thank you very much. Bernie, a little visiting music please...

(MUSIC)

Albert

Excuse me. I need some work done on my car.

You

Eight-fifty. (L)

Albert

Eight-fifty? What's that?

You

You said "excuse me." I stopped work and looked up. Time is money. So whatever's wrong with your car, including the time you're using up right now, it's gonna cost you at least eight-fifty.

Albert

That's ridiculous!

You

That's nine dollars. (L)

Albert

Okay, okay. I get the point. You don't come cheap. Now can you repair this car or not?

You

Sure I can repair it. What seems to be the trouble?

Albert

There's a knocking in my engine.

You

It's probably a piston. Let him in. (L)

Albert

I'm not getting anywhere with you.

You

And I'm not getting anywhere with you either. Maybe it's our toothpaste! (L)

Albert

Oh brother.

You

Brother? I almost didn't recognize you! How's Mom? (L)

Albert

How's Mom...stop this! Can you please fix my engine?

You

Oh alright. Open the hood, I'll take a look.

Albert

Wonderful. (He opens hood) There...it's open.

You

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (L)

Albert

What does that mean?

You

That means I'm glad I'm fixing this thing instead of paying for it! (L)

Albert

Are you trying to say this is going to cost a lot of money?

You

Let's put it this way

Remember the nine dollars we talked about earlier?

Albert

Yes. So?

You

Well, we still have the nine and the two zeros, but I'm afraid the decimal point just passed away! (L)

Albert

This car has only seventeen thousand miles on it. Nothing could be that serious.

You

If you're so smart why don't you fix it yourself?

Albert

Because I don't know anything about cars.

You

Nothing at all, huh?

Albert

No.

You

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (L)(A)

Albert

Ok, that's it. I'll go else where.

YOU

Oh, settle down. I'm just pulling your leg. (L)

ALBERT

If I wanted someone to pull my leg I would have gone to a chiropractor! (L)

(Hint to you: Let Albert have his laugh here)

You

Now look who's doin' the jokes.

Albert

I have to get one laugh don't I? (L)(A)

You

Okay...okay. Now, I'm gonna put this car up on the hoist and check it out thoroughly. If it's something minor, I'll fix it for free.

Albert

Well that sounds honest.

You

Maybe to you. To me it's one of the big lies of the century. (L) Now stand back as I raise it up. There she goes...going up...going up...there! By the way, there is a slight 'using of the hoist' fee. (L)

Albert

Using of the hoist? (L)

You

That's right. Each time I raise and lower a car it wears out my hoist just a little bit. I have to charge the customer accordingly.

Albert

I don't believe it. You mean it actually cost money just to raise this car up?

You

No, it's raised for free. It only cost money if you lower it.(L) It's just ten dollars.(L)

Albert

This is highway robbery!

You

Wrong. This is garage robbery. (L)

Albert

Look, I don't have to stand for this!

You

I agree. You can sit on that hub cap in the corner. (L) Be careful, it's greasy! (L)

Albert

Here is ten dollars. Bring my car down, I'm through with you.

You

(Dramatic) Wait! Don't leave! I need this business, my life is in ruins!

Albert

Ruins? What are you talking about?

You

(Continued dramatic) I'll tell you what I'm talking about

I'm divorced, my son is in jail, my daughter was just kidnapped, I can't pay my bills and my doctor says I may be dying!

Albert

My God! That's unbelievable.

You

You're right. Let me start over. (L) (Continue over this laugh) I may get divorced, my son should be in jail, my daughter wants to be kidnapped, my doctor...

Albert

Alright! Alright! Now stop with these jokes!

You

If I stop with these jokes this bit falls flat on its ass. (L)

("Face" can be used instead of "ass" if so desired)

Albert

Please. Just fix my car. Please!

You

Okay. Let me look under here real quickly. (Looking sounds) Hmmm... Mmmmm... Hmmmm... Well I think I found the trouble.

Albert

What is it?

You

It seems that one of your pistons has pounded its way through your muffler. (L) You're gonna need some new pistons and a new muffler for starters. (L)

Albert

Just a minute! That's impossible!

You

I thought you said you didn't know anything about cars?

Albert

I know enough to know that the pistons and the muffler don't even come near each other.

You

That's fair enough. Let's take another look. (L) Well you were right. The muffler does seem okay. Do you know anything about the camshaft?

Albert

No.

You

We just found the trouble! (L)

Albert

You must think I'm a fool.

You

You're getting warmer! (L)

Albert

Well let me tell you a thing or two, it so happens that I don't have to....

Jessel

Excuse me...excuse me...are you the auto mechanic?

Albert

Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Georgie Jessel! (A)

Jessel

Say, where's that applause coming from? I thought we were in a garage. (L) Listen I need some work done on my car.

You

Eight-fifty. (L)

Jessel

Eight-fifty? Oh my God, I didn't realize it was so late! I gotta be somewhere at nine-thirty. Well, I'll see you later. (L)

Albert

No, no Georgie, the mechanic wasn't giving you the time. That's a price.

Jessel

A price? For what?

You

You said "excuse me." I stopped work and looked up. Time is money. So whatever's wrong with your car, including the time you're using up now, it's gonna cost you at least eight-fifty.

Jessel

That's ridiculous!

Albert & You

That's nine dollars! (L)(A)

Jessel

Now look, I don't need this car restored. I just need some repair work. This car belonged to the great Al Jolson!

You

What seems to be the trouble with it?

Jessel

Well every time I stop at a light, it gets down on one tire. (L) Of course I'm just kidding. But actually I don't know what's wrong with it. That's why I came here.

You

Does it make any funny noises?

Jessel

Who are you talking to?

You

I'm talking to you.

Jessel

Oh. I don't know if it makes funny noises. I mean these days, who can tell what's funny anyway! (L) Enough of this talk. Now I'll make you a deal. You fix my car, you charge me almost nothing, and the next time that you're very very sick you call me, and we'll talk about a eulogy for you. (L)

Albert

I don't think you'd want this person to work on your car Georgie. The prices are outrageous and the service stinks.

You

You'll pay for that.

Albert

I have no doubt. (L)

Jessel

Well I don't need this then. I'm very big in many parts of the world and anyway I can go to Earl Scheib and for twenty-nine dollars he'll paint over the whole problem! (L) Thanks very much, and I'll see you later. (A)

Albert

Mr. George Jessel ladies and gentlemen! Mr. George Jessel! He was right in getting out of here and I'm following his example. Now here's your nine dollars for your valuable time. Here's your ten dollar lowering fee. Put my car down, I'm finished with all this!

You

Put your car down, huh?

Albert

Yes, put it down!

You

Okay. Why I've seen better looking cars in a rodeo! (L) Why this car is so slow you could write "Hello from Hollywood" on the roof and mail it to a friend. (This gets very little reaction so you explain further) They do that with turtles! (L)

Albert

You never stop do you?

You

Only when the bit's over.

Albert

Well in that case...good night ladies and gentlemen! (L)(A)

(MUSIC)

You

(To audience) Hey, you're beautiful!

Albert

You're a beautiful audience, thank you!

You

Thank you. (Very sincere) I'd like to take you all home with me!

Written by Lee Poirier
Saturday, 24 October 2009
I looked over the interwebs and wasn't able to find a good example of the script that was originally included in the LP liner notes of Albert Brooks' comedy album "Comedy Minus One". I purchased a used CD of the album at Half-Price Books (Greatest. Bookstore. Ever.) and didn't realize that it was missing, so I'm replicating it here. For those who don't know, Albert Brooks is a highly regarded and respected comedian/actor/director. He had two comedy albums, "Comedy Minus One" and "A Star is Bought". The second is a an album put together based on the premise that he wanted it to have as much exposure as possible, so each track is targeting a different demographic. I first encountered Brooks in SNL re-runs which featured short films he produced, my favorite being "The Famous Comedians School", where he tries to dissect comedy scientifically at the school of the same name. The 7 year old repeating "I don't like it" is classic. He also directed and acted in several films, my favorites among them being Taxi Driver (Actor), Real Life (Director/Actor/Writer), Lost in America (Director/Actor/Writer), Broadcast News (Actor), Mother (Director/Actor/Writer), and Defending Your Life (Director/Actor/Writer). If you still don't know who he is, you've probably heard his voice in either Finding Nemo (he voices Marlin, Nemo's dad) or the Simpsons, where he's played many characters (not the least of which was Bond Supervillian - Hank Scorpio). Comedy Minus One By Albert Brooks (to be read along with the album, final track) (L) & (A) denote Laughter & Applause Albert Thank you...thank you...and good evening ladies and gentleman. I'm Albert. You And I'm You. Albert Wait a minute, how could you be me? You I didn't say I was you. I said I was me. (L) Albert No you didn't. I said I was Albert and you said you were me. You You've got it all wrong. You said "I'm Albert" and I said "I'm You." But I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. (L) Albert Now I'm confused. You Then stop calling yourself Albert. (L) Albert I think we should get on with this. You I agree. What are we going to do? Albert Well, if it's alright with you I thought we would visit, The Auto Mechanic. (A) Thank you very much. Bernie, a little visiting music please... (MUSIC) Albert Excuse me. I need some work done on my car. You Eight-fifty. (L) Albert Eight-fifty? What's that? You You said "excuse me." I stopped work and looked up. Time is money. So whatever's wrong with your car, including the time you're using up right now, it's gonna cost you at least eight-fifty. Albert That's ridiculous! You That's nine dollars. (L) Albert Okay, okay. I get the point. You don't come cheap. Now can you repair this car or not? You Sure I can repair it. What seems to be the trouble? Albert There's a knocking in my engine. You It's probably a piston. Let him in. (L) Albert I'm not getting anywhere with you. You And I'm not getting anywhere with you either. Maybe it's our toothpaste! (L) Albert Oh brother. You Brother? I almost didn't recognize you! How's Mom? (L) Albert How's Mom...stop this! Can you please fix my engine? You Oh alright. Open the hood, I'll take a look. Albert Wonderful. (He opens hood) There...it's open. You Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (L) Albert What does that mean? You That means I'm glad I'm fixing this thing instead of paying for it! (L) Albert Are you trying to say this is going to cost a lot of money? You Let's put it this way Remember the nine dollars we talked about earlier? Albert Yes. So? You Well, we still have the nine and the two zeros, but I'm afraid the decimal point just passed away! (L) Albert This car has only seventeen thousand miles on it. Nothing could be that serious. You If you're so smart why don't you fix it yourself? Albert Because I don't know anything about cars. You Nothing at all, huh? Albert No. You Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (L)(A) Albert Ok, that's it. I'll go else where. YOU Oh, settle down. I'm just pulling your leg. (L) ALBERT If I wanted someone to pull my leg I would have gone to a chiropractor! (L) (Hint to you: Let Albert have his laugh here) You Now look who's doin' the jokes. Albert I have to get one laugh don't I? (L)(A) You Okay...okay. Now, I'm gonna put this car up on the hoist and check it out thoroughly. If it's something minor, I'll fix it for free. Albert Well that sounds honest. You Maybe to you. To me it's one of the big lies of the century. (L) Now stand back as I raise it up. There she goes...going up...going up...there! By the way, there is a slight 'using of the hoist' fee. (L) Albert Using of the hoist? (L) You That's right. Each time I raise and lower a car it wears out my hoist just a little bit. I have to charge the customer accordingly. Albert I don't believe it. You mean it actually cost money just to raise this car up? You No, it's raised for free. It only cost money if you lower it.(L) It's just ten dollars.(L) Albert This is highway robbery! You Wrong. This is garage robbery. (L) Albert Look, I don't have to stand for this! You I agree. You can sit on that hub cap in the corner. (L) Be careful, it's greasy! (L) Albert Here is ten dollars. Bring my car down, I'm through with you. You (Dramatic) Wait! Don't leave! I need this business, my life is in ruins! Albert Ruins? What are you talking about? You (Continued dramatic) I'll tell you what I'm talking about I'm divorced, my son is in jail, my daughter was just kidnapped, I can't pay my bills and my doctor says I may be dying! Albert My God! That's unbelievable. You You're right. Let me start over. (L) (Continue over this laugh) I may get divorced, my son should be in jail, my daughter wants to be kidnapped, my doctor... Albert Alright! Alright! Now stop with these jokes! You If I stop with these jokes this bit falls flat on its ass. (L) ("Face" can be used instead of "ass" if so desired) Albert Please. Just fix my car. Please! You Okay. Let me look under here real quickly. (Looking sounds) Hmmm... Mmmmm... Hmmmm... Well I think I found the trouble. Albert What is it? You It seems that one of your pistons has pounded its way through your muffler. (L) You're gonna need some new pistons and a new muffler for starters. (L) Albert Just a minute! That's impossible! You I thought you said you didn't know anything about cars? Albert I know enough to know that the pistons and the muffler don't even come near each other. You That's fair enough. Let's take another look. (L) Well you were right. The muffler does seem okay. Do you know anything about the camshaft? Albert No. You We just found the trouble! (L) Albert You must think I'm a fool. You You're getting warmer! (L) Albert Well let me tell you a thing or two, it so happens that I don't have to.... Jessel Excuse me...excuse me...are you the auto mechanic? Albert Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Georgie Jessel! (A) Jessel Say, where's that applause coming from? I thought we were in a garage. (L) Listen I need some work done on my car. You Eight-fifty. (L) Jessel Eight-fifty? Oh my God, I didn't realize it was so late! I gotta be somewhere at nine-thirty. Well, I'll see you later. (L) Albert No, no Georgie, the mechanic wasn't giving you the time. That's a price. Jessel A price? For what? You You said "excuse me." I stopped work and looked up. Time is money. So whatever's wrong with your car, including the time you're using up now, it's gonna cost you at least eight-fifty. Jessel That's ridiculous! Albert & You That's nine dollars! (L)(A) Jessel Now look, I don't need this car restored. I just need some repair work. This car belonged to the great Al Jolson! You What seems to be the trouble with it? Jessel Well every time I stop at a light, it gets down on one tire. (L) Of course I'm just kidding. But actually I don't know what's wrong with it. That's why I came here. You Does it make any funny noises? Jessel Who are you talking to? You I'm talking to you. Jessel Oh. I don't know if it makes funny noises. I mean these days, who can tell what's funny anyway! (L) Enough of this talk. Now I'll make you a deal. You fix my car, you charge me almost nothing, and the next time that you're very very sick you call me, and we'll talk about a eulogy for you. (L) Albert I don't think you'd want this person to work on your car Georgie. The prices are outrageous and the service stinks. You You'll pay for that. Albert I have no doubt. (L) Jessel Well I don't need this then. I'm very big in many parts of the world and anyway I can go to Earl Scheib and for twenty-nine dollars he'll paint over the whole problem! (L) Thanks very much, and I'll see you later. (A) Albert Mr. George Jessel ladies and gentlemen! Mr. George Jessel! He was right in getting out of here and I'm following his example. Now here's your nine dollars for your valuable time. Here's your ten dollar lowering fee. Put my car down, I'm finished with all this! You Put your car down, huh? Albert Yes, put it down! You Okay. Why I've seen better looking cars in a rodeo! (L) Why this car is so slow you could write "Hello from Hollywood" on the roof and mail it to a friend. (This gets very little reaction so you explain further) They do that with turtles! (L) Albert You never stop do you? You Only when the bit's over. Albert Well in that case...good night ladies and gentlemen! (L)(A) (MUSIC) You (To audience) Hey, you're beautiful! Albert You're a beautiful audience, thank you! You Thank you. (Very sincere) I'd like to take you all home with me! This is reprinted without permission. If you own the rights to this and would like me to remove it, let me know.