HowToFoldSoup

So the new Star Wars movie is coming out. People keep asking me when I'm going to see it. Well, I'm not. Fuck Lucas and Fuck his masturbatory merchandizing machine.

The first three were great. Ahem. GREAT. A great story, good players, fun, and funny without being too goofy. And for any naysayer who claims that "Return of the Jedi" was ass'y because of the Ewok's instead of the Wookies, bite me. All three were great, and enhanced my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood tremendously.

I was excited to see Episode I. Sure, it had a little kid in it, but still was the first taste of anything officially added to the Star Wars universe for like 20 years, so I was ready. It was good...kind of. I can eliminate Jar Jar from my memory of it, and it's a pretty cool flick. Midichlorians? Sure, they were craptacular, but I could look past that, too. Vader build C3PO? Fine. No, really, That's fine. Darth Maul was rockin' enough for me.

Episode II. First off, I didn't like the title. "Attack of the Clones". Ewww. But, removing the kids and hoping that Lucas realized how bad Jar Jar was and possibly went a different direction still had me salivating. What's that, rumors of a Yoda fight scene? Ok, I want, nay, I NEED to see that. Or so I thought. Short of the Yoda fight scene, the other fight scenes weren't very strong. The acting by Vader and Bride (mind you, I blame the director/writer) was very bad. Young actors, even great actors, need direction, and it didnt look like they got any. I was sinking in my chair halfway through the movie, waiting for Yoda's big scene and a quick escape from the theatre. Then, a glimmer of hope! Anakin's mom was killed by sand people (isn't that a racist term nowadays?)? Uh oh. Anakin's going to dish out some major Jedi ass whooping on an entire COLONY of sand people. And...fade to black. WHAT?!? You have the budget equivalent of a medium sized country's GNP, and you don't show Vader's first major step to the dark side? Doesn't Lucas have any friends who're honest with him? Anyone who can say, "Hey, George, What the fuck?"? It was so many levels of bad, one viewing in the theatre was the only time I saw the flick.

And so now we're on to Episode III. But Lee, this one has a PG 13 rating! Too little too late, I say. I have made an official vow to never see Episode III. My Eight dollars are staying in my pocket this time. And I can breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to watch my previously favorite trilogy get ruined any further. I mean, come on...a new Vader flavored Mountain Dew? M & M's getting the Jedi Choke hold? Perhaps we're focusing on the wrong things, eh George? Did you not realize that your audience was 20 years older now?